NMTE (Late) Morning Roundup

Reporting to you at the crack of noon, here's what's happenin' in the world today:

A second UConn basketball player, junior point guard Marcus Williams, has been arrested in connection with the June theft of several laptops from dorm rooms on campus, several of them reportedly belonging to incoming freshmen women’s basketball players. Both Williams and redshirt freshman guard A.J. Price have been suspended indefinitely from the team pending resolution of the issue. Coach Jim Calhoun was quick to clarify the suspension: "I have suspended [Price and Williams] from all basketball team-related activities…and their academic and personal activities will be closely monitored. They will continue to have complete access to all of the academic support staff so they can focus their energies on their studies." Calhoun then snickered under his breath and quipped “Hope their professors don’t mind getting their papers in longhand.”

The MFY dropped to 4.5 games behind the Sox in the AL East after losing a 4-3 decision to the Devil Dogs last night. In the bottom of the 11th inning, following a Carl Crawford double and walks to Eduardo Perez and (intentionally) to Aubrey Huff, Columbus Clippers hurler Scott Proctor issued a bases loaded walk to the immortal Jonny Gomes to force Crawford in for the winning run. All of this came after Perez had homered off impeccable Mo Rivera in the 9th to spoil a solid comeback by the Big Eunuch, who returned to the rotation after missing a start with back problems stemming from the awkward wrenching motion of whipping around to see dingers flying out of the Stadium at an alarming rate.

Former American whore/current British aristocrat Madonna celebrated her 47th birthday in style yesterday, suffering a broken collarbone, broken hand and three cracked ribs as she “took a tumble” while “riding” a “horse that she wasn’t accustomed to”. Neither the birthday girl nor the equine in question were available for comment following the incident, though a spokesman for the Material Girl was quoted as saying that the rumors of a romantic involvement between Madonna and the horse are “completely false” and that they are just “very close friends who happen to ride each other.”