NMTE (Late) Morning Roundup

Reporting to you at the crack of noon, here's what's happenin' in the world today:

An overzealous MFY fan, apparently eager to rush to an early demise in response to the team’s 2-1 loss to the Chicago White Sox which would drop the team 4 1/2 games behind the AL East leading Red Sox, forlornly hurled himself from his upperdeck seats towards the playing field at Yankee Stadium. Unfortunately for the would-be ritual suicider, the net behind home plate, originally designed to protect unwitting rich fans in the box seats from pesky fly balls, broke his fall and left him suspended about 20 feet above the fans below. The game was delayed for a few minutes as the youthful idiot extricated himself from his elevated prison and was led to the bowels of the Stadium to watch the end of the game in the company of Rizzo, a drunken Brooklynite who had been detained for repeated shouting racial epithets at MFT leftfielder Hideki Matsui while grabbing his crotch and referring to his cock as a “spicy tuna roll”.

And speaking of the MFY, purported ace Randy “Relatively Large Unit” Johnson will miss his next start due to recurring back pain. The sudden loss of Unit, coupled with the lack of progress in a minor league rehab stint by prized free agent pickup Carl Pavano, nagging injuries to starters Kevin Brown, Jaret Wright and Chien-Ming Wang, and the team’s reluctance to call up recently acquired Hideo Nomo from AAA Columbus, leaves the MFY without a pitcher in line to start Thursday’s game against the Rangers. Betcha wish you still had El Duque on speed dial now, eh George?

Dealing with their own pitching issues, the Sox placed Monday’s starter Wade Miller on the DL yesterday, to make room for the addition of lefty reliever Mike “The Linger” Remlinger, who made an inauspicious debut last night against the Rangers. The upshot of the situation is that the loss of Miller, who had been battling weakness in his surgically repaired pitching shoulder for weeks, opens up a spot in the starting rotation for…uhm…er…oh boy.

On a warm Tuesday afternoon at the Delaware Chancery Court, Judge William B. Chandler III ruled in favor of Disney Chief Executive/Head Mouseketeer Michael Eisner and the rest of the Disney board in the case filed by shareholders claiming some sort of malfeasance in the hiring n’ firing fiasco surrounding—and $130 million severance paid to—short-lived Disney President/Champion pig whistler Michael Ovitz, ending one of the most highly-publicized and pointless corporate lawsuits in years. Judge Chandler, of course, had harsh words for Eisner and his fellow directors, but ultimately sided with the board’s right to make good faith decisions even if those decisions turn out to fuck over the shareholders and make the board and the Ovitzes of the world even richer. Yawn.