NMTE Guest Columnist: Smokey the Chimp

Hiya, folks. Smokey the Chimp here to take up the reins at NMTE whenever Ben’s too drunk to blog atcha. Anybody gotta light? Nevermind, I got one right here…

Y’all see that Sox game yesterday? Is Manny back or what? When he came in to pinch hit, didya hear that reaction? I tells ya, I got goosebumps, man! Chills! And I’m covered in fur, ferchrissakes. Or is it hair? I can never fuckin’ remember…

And speaking of unexplained hair growth, how ‘bout that Raffie Palmeiro, eh? I don’t wanna say ‘I told you so’, but I knew that fucker was lyin’ since he wagged that fat fuckin’ juiced up finger a-his at McCain, Schulman and the rest o’ those hairless yahoos on Capitol Hill. I ain’t the first one to take a stab at the “Steroids? Ain’t Viagra a ‘performance enhancing drug’ enough?” joke, am I? Whoa, whoa, calm down, folks. I feel like Lachlan Murdoch at a stockholders meeting here…

Speaking of which, I gotta joke for ya: A man, his wife, their 16-year-old daughter, their 6-year-old son, the 80-year-old grandma and their pet chimp walk into a talent agents office. “Sorry,” the agent says, “we don’t represent family acts.” So the father says: “If you wanna hear the rest of this fuckin’ joke, go see The Aristocrats already, ya cheap bastard.”

That’s my time. Enjoy Rusted Root.