‘I Killed Tony Danza’: Spit or Follow? Edition
Special thanks to Jaime for bringing this week’s IKTD to my attention. In true IKTD spirit, this week’s entry features an embarrassing tale of laughable woe from America’s Heartland, in this case Grandview, a suburb of Kansas City, Missouri. According to the Kansas City Star, at about 8am on Friday morning, Robbin Doolin, a Grandview resident, was involved in a traffic accident when, according to police spokesmen, she removed her seatbelt, opened her car door and leaned out to spit. While the car was moving. On the highway.
Needless to say, Darwin soon took over and Doolin was soon splayed on the pavement of the I-71. But not content to let the situation rest there, Doolin picked herself up from the highway and begin chasing her “purple Chevrolet Malibu” (ouch) as it scraped against the guardrail and continued towards a construction site. Though we are not told what became of the vehicle, i.e. whether it met its inglorious end at the hands of a road tarrer or backhoe, we do know that Doolin was unable to save her beloved Malibu from…uh…whatever ended up happening to it. “The car was moving too fast,” reports the Star, grimly. “Doolin could not catch up.”
How does one, whilst traveling at highway speeds, suddenly become expunged from their moving car? Was it some mechanical error made at the Chevy factory? Perhaps a faulty door latch or seatbelt buckle? Was there some emergency that made Doolin hurl herself from the vehicle without stopping? All questions would be answered when the victim/perpetrator/idiot spoke to police at the scene: “I leaned out to spit,” lamented the shaken Doolin, “and I leaned too far.”
Here’s to you, Robbin Doolin of Grandview, Missouri! You are the dual winner of the ‘I Killed Tony Danza’ Absurd (Near) Death of the Week AND the periodic ‘Ya Fuckin’ Think?’ Understatement of the Year Award! Your prize package, including 4 free drivers ed lessons, a set of protective knee and elbow pads, and a commemorative ‘I Killed Tony Danza’ car spittoon should be arriving within 10-12 weeks. Congratulations, Robbin!
*No washed up TV actors (or Chevy Malibus) were harmed in the production of this column
Needless to say, Darwin soon took over and Doolin was soon splayed on the pavement of the I-71. But not content to let the situation rest there, Doolin picked herself up from the highway and begin chasing her “purple Chevrolet Malibu” (ouch) as it scraped against the guardrail and continued towards a construction site. Though we are not told what became of the vehicle, i.e. whether it met its inglorious end at the hands of a road tarrer or backhoe, we do know that Doolin was unable to save her beloved Malibu from…uh…whatever ended up happening to it. “The car was moving too fast,” reports the Star, grimly. “Doolin could not catch up.”
How does one, whilst traveling at highway speeds, suddenly become expunged from their moving car? Was it some mechanical error made at the Chevy factory? Perhaps a faulty door latch or seatbelt buckle? Was there some emergency that made Doolin hurl herself from the vehicle without stopping? All questions would be answered when the victim/perpetrator/idiot spoke to police at the scene: “I leaned out to spit,” lamented the shaken Doolin, “and I leaned too far.”
Here’s to you, Robbin Doolin of Grandview, Missouri! You are the dual winner of the ‘I Killed Tony Danza’ Absurd (Near) Death of the Week AND the periodic ‘Ya Fuckin’ Think?’ Understatement of the Year Award! Your prize package, including 4 free drivers ed lessons, a set of protective knee and elbow pads, and a commemorative ‘I Killed Tony Danza’ car spittoon should be arriving within 10-12 weeks. Congratulations, Robbin!
*No washed up TV actors (or Chevy Malibus) were harmed in the production of this column
posted by bd @ 8/02/2005 01:20:00 PM
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