Bay's March Against The Penguins

VS.
The ongoing battle for the almighty summer movie dollar has become quite the dogfight of late. And as the bloated casualties of the taste wars fall from the cineplexes like so many overstuffed dirigibles, the scorned frontline combatants are taking aim and firing blindly at any cute cuddly Antarctic advisary that may be in their line of sight. It is in the spirit of this clash that The Onion boldly produces a screed befitting of the Master Fauxteur himself, Michael “Are You Guys Ready for Bad Boys 3? ‘Cause I’m Totally Fuckin’ Making It!” Bay.

What kind of a world do we live in when a futuristic techno-thriller starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson as escaped clones on levitating jet bikes doesn't outgross the shit out of a glorified Discovery Channel rerun? Don't people realize how much money I spent? How many people it took to bring that vision to the screen? Do people realize how many rewrites and punch-ups we went through? I paid my writers millions of dollars, and they were some of the best in the biz. You know who wrote their script? A bunch of birds.

Meanwhile, movie ushers and theatre managers throughout Middle America are getting into the act as well, driving over-enthusiastic penguin fans away from their local theatres and into the knowing embrace of Bay’s particular brand of ear drum-rattling cybertrash. Tell me how many times you’ve ever heard the following said in reference to the screening of one of Bay’s myriad crapathons:

If you're a 7-year-old kid with cerebral palsy and autism, you have to take your laughs anywhere you can get them.
Just don't have too much fun at the local movie theater, or you might get thrown out.

Answer? Never! Because kids don’t get thrown out of Michael Bay pictures, no matter how obnoxiously retarded they are! As a matter of fact, Bay has crafted the façade of a career catering to the obnoxiously retarded and fervently courting them to come see his movies no matter what the subject matter! Well played, Bay. Well played.