Inane Query Letter of the Week #19

Ok, so I didn’t actually see Meet Joe Black, so perhaps I don’t quite get the more nuanced aspects of this week’s featured query letter. I mean, I saw the commercials; I’ve heard people talking about it; I get the whole “Brad Pitt is death and wants to take Anthony Hopkins to the afterworld, but Claire Forlani is just too fucking cute with her doe eyes and grey floral dress, so he doubts his plan and contemplates the pitfalls of immortality” thing. Sounds cute. Contrived, banal, and, if memory serves, almost 3 hours long (thanks, Martin Brest…still livin’ off those Beverly Hills Cop residuals, mmm? Workin’ on that novel, hmm? Same one you’ve been workin’ on for, what, three years now? How’s that comin’? Hmm? Got a good protagonist? Mmm? Got some obstacles for him to overcome? A few laughs? A little pain? Mmm?)…but cute.

So it is armed with knowledge of my own ignorance that I come to this weeks’ letter, which appears to be a wacky comedic sequel to the aforementioned gloomy but heartening romance. Hopefully, if you’re reading this, you have seen the original film, so as to have some frame of reference. If not…I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I managed to catch on just fine.

JOE'S MY COUSIN

Joe Black's less sophisticated cousin Jeff is sent to prepare a man for his impending death, but detracts from the man's efforts to enjoy his last remaining days.

Bob Simple flounders in the bar scene, trying to find and keep a girlfriend after his divorce. Joe Black's inept cousin Jeff arrives to prepare him for the here-after. But Jeff's not content to observe and advise, he wants to have some fun and create a little chaos in Bob's life. Pushed to the point where he tries to eliminate Jeff, which fails, Bob finally accepts his fate, and things settle down a little as he and Jeff form a tentative bond.

Bob enlists the aid of his daughter in convincing mom to return home, and mom books them all on a cruise. While on board, the ship's doctor and Captain chase Bob's daughter, Bob and the ex get remarried, and Jeff has a good old time. Returning home, Bob throws a party for friends and co-workers, and Jeff escorts him to the other side. Bob's wife and daughter receive a warm sign from beyond and Bob follows in Jeff's footsteps.

I would like to submit this screenplay for your consideration and can be contacted as listed below:

NAME WITHHELD TO PROTECT THE STUPID

“Honey, I really need to get away from this practical-joking, chaos-inducing cousin of Martin Brest’s romantically skewed personification of Death before I’m dragged off to the Underworld without tying up the loose ends of my family life…what do I do?”

“I know! Let’s go on a cruise!”

In case you were wondering, yes, I totally love this shit.