Inane Query Letter of the Week #18

Usually, as regular visitors to this space know, I am drawn to selecting the winners/victims of the weekly IQL contest based upon the merit of their loglines or synopses—specifically whether I convulse with laughter, bury my head in my hands and weep, or notice that warm familiar taste of bile rising in the back of my throat. It is by these innate physical reactions that true genius can be noticed.

Well, that and bright shiny colors! OOOOooooOOoo!!! Colors! Red and Blue and Green and...uh...Black! I mean, the query itself is pretty god awful, and sure, the accompanying threat of further contact does add a bit of a sinister flair to it all...but...but...dammit, look at those colors!!! All so pretty and bold and eye-catching! Each begging for me to delve into the magical world of literary wonder that their colorfulness implies! Each calling on me to feel their respective warmth or coolness! Each daring me to defy the emotion wrought by the simple addition of a font color="color" and a /font. That’s right folks, all the bold, italics and colors herein are from the original query letter and meticulously transferred into fabulous HTML by yours truly (as learned this very afternoon...and on company time). And you say I never do anything nice for you.

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Hello, My name is Sxxxx Mxxxx Hxxxx, the writer of the screenplay, WITNESS BY WITNESS. I'm sending you this e-mail to confirm if you received my query letter and my previous follow up email about this project. I know you are always on the look out for the next interesting film project and I feel this script will be of interest to you.

WITNESS BY WITNESS is a story of a man that was betrayed while in the witness protection program who after years of self seclusion emerges to take a chance on love, only to discover that his new love is hiding from the same vicious villain..........her own brother.

Audiences will be drawn to this suspenseful action thriller. They will connect with the characters and be touched emotionally while being mesmerized by the exciting action sequences.

Its a fine line between love and hate especially when you’re in Love with your enemy’s sister.................................

Please feel free to contact me for more information about this powerful screenplay. You can contact me by phone at (863) xxx-xxxx, by mail at PO BOX xxxx Lakeland, FL 33804, or by e-mail at xxxxxxxxxx@aol.com. I will give a follow up call within the next couple of weeks to see if you are interested at taking a look at this completed screenplay. Thank you again for your time and consideration.

NAME WITHHELD TO PROTECT THE STUPID

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I sincerely hope you all enjoyed this week’s Inane Query Letter of the Week. Tune in next week when I learn how to use HTML to take over the world…score some chronic…build a better mousetrap strikethrough text!

I am officially the biggest nerd I know.