“I Killed Tony Danza”*: Pau, Right in the Kisser Edition
Though I’ve been veering dangerously close of late towards having to rename this feature the “I Killed Tony Danza” Absurd Random Assault, Arrest or Embarrassing Moment of the Week, I have to come clean and admit that this week’s entry is not entirely of the “(Near) Death” variety promised when this all began.
It does, in telling the story of Kazakh rider Andrey Kashechkin’s “accidental” run-in with an overly enthusiastic fan, however, meet the necessary requisite of absurdity while simultaneously bringing to light several points that should be mentioned:
First, it underscores the majesty of the world’s greatest bicycle road race, the Tour de France, which commemorates, if I have the facts straight here, the great Lance Armstrong’s historic invention of the charity-sponsored rubber band bracelet. Insincere socially-conscious fashion has never been the same, Lance. Thanks.
More importantly, the story draws much-needed attention to the inherent dangers associated with road races as a spectator sport. And though the article does a fine job documenting various fan-interferences in the history of the Tour itself, they were remiss in omitting one of the more recent and ridiculous instances in road race rage:
namely, the attack that Olympic marathon frontrunner Vanderlei de Lima of Brazil endured at the hands of one very angry leprechaun in last year’s Olympics in Athens.
Unlike de Lima, who took his assailant on, continued his stride and eventually won the Bronze medal, the vengeful Kashechkin doubled back on his bike in order to confront his attacker before giving up his search and waiting for his team’s first aid van to come save him from a little bloody nose. BOO HOO, Andrey! Wittle baby gotta wittle bwood in his eyes and can’t see the woad to wace no mo’!” Pathetic! Suck it up, pussy! This ain’t the fuggin’ Electric Light Parade here, pal, it’s the Tour de Fuckin’ France! Are you gonna let some Christopher House wannabe distract you from wearing that slick yellow pullover thingee? Or are you just too scared of the big bad ball-cancer survivor from Texas to continue on? Huh? What’s that? Sorry I don’t speak LOSER, pal. No, I don’t speak Kasakh either. Yeah, I picked up a little Russian in school, but...wait, shit! Quit distracting me, dammit! Now get back on that $20,000 bike and get the fuck up that mountain, chump, a-fore I call one of your ex-Soviet coaches down here to shoot you fulla horse tranquilizers and throw you up the fuggin mountain himself...shee-it...
*No washed up TV actors were harmed in the production of this column
It does, in telling the story of Kazakh rider Andrey Kashechkin’s “accidental” run-in with an overly enthusiastic fan, however, meet the necessary requisite of absurdity while simultaneously bringing to light several points that should be mentioned:
First, it underscores the majesty of the world’s greatest bicycle road race, the Tour de France, which commemorates, if I have the facts straight here, the great Lance Armstrong’s historic invention of the charity-sponsored rubber band bracelet. Insincere socially-conscious fashion has never been the same, Lance. Thanks.
More importantly, the story draws much-needed attention to the inherent dangers associated with road races as a spectator sport. And though the article does a fine job documenting various fan-interferences in the history of the Tour itself, they were remiss in omitting one of the more recent and ridiculous instances in road race rage:
namely, the attack that Olympic marathon frontrunner Vanderlei de Lima of Brazil endured at the hands of one very angry leprechaun in last year’s Olympics in Athens. Unlike de Lima, who took his assailant on, continued his stride and eventually won the Bronze medal, the vengeful Kashechkin doubled back on his bike in order to confront his attacker before giving up his search and waiting for his team’s first aid van to come save him from a little bloody nose. BOO HOO, Andrey! Wittle baby gotta wittle bwood in his eyes and can’t see the woad to wace no mo’!” Pathetic! Suck it up, pussy! This ain’t the fuggin’ Electric Light Parade here, pal, it’s the Tour de Fuckin’ France! Are you gonna let some Christopher House wannabe distract you from wearing that slick yellow pullover thingee? Or are you just too scared of the big bad ball-cancer survivor from Texas to continue on? Huh? What’s that? Sorry I don’t speak LOSER, pal. No, I don’t speak Kasakh either. Yeah, I picked up a little Russian in school, but...wait, shit! Quit distracting me, dammit! Now get back on that $20,000 bike and get the fuck up that mountain, chump, a-fore I call one of your ex-Soviet coaches down here to shoot you fulla horse tranquilizers and throw you up the fuggin mountain himself...shee-it...
*No washed up TV actors were harmed in the production of this column
posted by bd @ 7/19/2005 05:44:00 PM
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