Star Wars Episode III: Review of the Sith
So H and I went to see the new Star Wars flick last night after an early morning search yesterday yielded extra screenings added at our local Cineplex. Overall, I found the experience to be quite enjoyable, though not without the expected pitfalls of patently amateurish acting on the parts of the leads, who mirthlessly recite Lucas’ banal and unnatural dialogue (though apparently Tom Stoppard had an uncredited hand in the shaping of the screenplay) to the point where one is practically forced to scream out: Just turn into James Earl Jones already!
As promised, there’s a whole lotta spoilers in here. Anakin becomes Darth Vader! There, I said it.
Also, I fear that as this “review” unfolds, I may slip into more of a synopsis than analysis. For this, I apologize. Rest assured, my personal thoughts should be interspersed throughout and recapitulated briefly at the conclusion. Due to the constraints of time, this entire bit will be done without benefit of a rewrite and based solely on memory from the wee hours of this morning, so it may come across a little stream-of-conscious-y. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? The opening twenty-odd minutes of the film capture a stunning if lengthy space battle/siege between our Jedi heroes, Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) and Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor), and the separatist forces of the idiotically named Count Dooku (Christopher “Saruman/Dracula” Lee) and the bio-droid warrior General Grievous (previously featured only in the animated “Clone War” series aired on Cartoon Network), who have captured Galactic Senate Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) for the purposes of…well…let’s not worry about that now. Suffice it to say that, after Obi-Wan is incapacitated, Anakin manages to defeat Count Dooku and, under the watchful eye and not-so-subtle prodding of the Chancellor, execute his defenseless prisoner by way of cold-blooded scissor-slicing beheading. Anakin immediately recognizes the error of his decision, seemingly surprised (though Christensen’s whiney monotony does little to evoke this emotion) at his callous and supremely un-Jedi-like actions. A harrowing escape through a conspicuously underguarded warship (couldn’t have sprung for a few extra guard-droids or a decent computerized security system, eh Dooku?) leads to a rough landing in the Galactic capital of Courescant for our heroes.
This is where things start getting dicey. Upon their return, Obi-Wan goes to discuss the happenings aboard the warship with the Jedi Council while Anakin shares an intimate moment with his new wife Padme Amidala (Natalie “GI Jane” Portman), who discloses to the joy/befuddlement of Anakin that she is pregnant with their child. Immediately we see (or are meant to see) the combination of joy and heartache that young Anakin feels: he loves Padme and wants to settle down, start a family, buy a moisture farm with a white picket fence, yadda yadda, but his status among the Jedi Order makes such a choice impossible. Sadly, George Lucas’ film school dialogue and cardboard cutout performances by Christensen & Portman cause this and further scenes of intimacy between the two to straddle the fine line between cringe-worthy tragedy and unintentional comedy. As luck would have it, the scenes are also sparse and brief, saving us all from the horrors of Episode II’s overwrought Naboobian love scenes.
Faced with the knowledge of his impending fatherhood, Anakin is immediately beset on both sides by rival factions of the Republic. Palpatine, still outwardly appreciative of his heroic rescue by Anakin, appoints the Jedi as his representative to the Jedi Council. The Council, through the voices of Masters Mace Windu (Sam Jackson, who may need extra postage if he’s gonna mail it in from this far away again) and Yoda (Frank Oz, still upset that he doesn’t get to stick his hand up a Muppet’s ass anymore), are suspicious of the political machinations of the power-hungry Chancellor and charge Anakin with the task of keeping tabs on his new friend’s dealings. Though Anakin seems suspicious of both parties, he nonetheless accepts his new position as Jedi ambassador to the Chancellor, though he is clearly agitated by Windu’s caveat that he not yet ascend to the rank of Jedi Master. And though Anakin thought himself fit for the task, Obi-Wan is directed to hunt down Grievous and the droid armies on the industrial planet of Utapau. Likewise Yoda is due to leave for Kashyyyk, a planet also under threat of separatist attack, where his battalion of clone soldiers and indigenous Wookiee allies await him.
Propelled by nightmares in which he witnesses Padme’s death during childbirth, Anakin soon awakens to the idea that he may be able to change her fate. With all the slimy charm and cunning of a snake oil salesman conning rubes from the back of a pickup, Chancellor Palpatine expresses disappointment in the Council’s lack of appreciation of Anakin’s heroics and shares with Anakin the story of Darth Plagueis, a Sith Lord who learned to manipulate the power of the Dark Side to save his companions from death. Anakin is adequately intrigued and begins to show increased susceptibility to the seeds of evil Palpatine plants.
On Utapau, Obi-Wan is alerted by a local official that the planet is under siege by the separatist army. Aboard a monstrous quadrapedal lizard steed, Obi-Wan maneuvers the vast chasms of the planet, surreptitiously locating Grievous’ hiding spot high in the rocky cliffs. Grievous, it seems, is in direct contact with Darth Sidious (whom we know to be Chancellor Palpatine) and has received instructions from the Dark Lord to destroy as many Jedi as possible. In true Obi-Wan fashion, our hero interrupts Grievous’ plotting and wipes out the army of attack droids the retreating Grievous sets on him. Grievous reappears aboard a giant mechanical weapon-loaded wheely thing…and the chase is on! Obi-Wan manages to destroy his opponent’s vehicle…and the gratuitous lightsaber duel is on! In one of the action highlights of the film, Grievous reveals an additional set of arms and expertly wields a lightsaber in each hand, each from a Jedi he has slain in the past. Obi-Wan is nearly defeated, by Grievous’ whirring blades, but manages to obtain control of a wayward blaster and kill Grievous.
Obi-Wan quickly sends word back to the Council of Palpatine’s nefarious plot against the Jedi and Mace Windu musters a force to confront the Chancellor. Palpatine reveals his true nature at last, easily slaying Windu’s companion Jedis and turning his full Sith wrath upon the Jedi Master. Palpatine’s power is superior to that of Windu, and he quickly gains the upperhand, blarsting the shit outta poor Windu with lightning bolts from his fingertips (which we, of course, see copiously in Luke’s battle with the Emperor in Episode VI). Mace manages to turn the tide temporarily, blarsting the lightning back from whence it came and scarring Palpatine and giving him the horrific appearance he carries into the original trilogy. Anakin enters the scene as the two powerful masters are engaged in a death struggle high above the city of Courescant and immediately must make a decision: trust his newfound mentor Palpatine’s assertions that the Jedi Council is making a play to overthrow the Senate and take control of the Republic themselves; or side with Windu and the Jedi, killing Palpatine and with him the possibility of learning the Dark Side powers that might save Padme. Of course, though Anakin is strong in the Force, he is weak of will and his youthful fear of loss leads to disastrous ends. Windu is defeated, struck down by Palpatine and his new apprentice. The veil lifted, Palpatine finally reveals his true nature to Anakin, that of Darth Sidious, Sith Lord and lays out his nefarious plot to himself overthrow the Senate and enslave the galaxy under his imperial rule. Anakin swears his allegiance to Sidious and is rechristened by his new master with the nomenclature of the Sith warriors. Thus is born Darth Vader.
Back at the Senate, Palpatine explains that the Jedi have turned on the Republic, and in the face of such danger, exercises his emergency powers to reform the Republic into an Empire, under his unilateral control. There is much rejoicing by those Senators allied with the Sith Lord, though others, including Bail Organa (Jimmy “they paid me for all three movies” Smits) are less than thrilled. Padme quips: “So this is how liberty is lost—to thunderous applause” (prolly the best expository exclamation in this whole dogmatic jumble).
Meanwhile, Anakin enacts Palpatine’s wicked plan. The powerful Sith apprentice leads an army of clones/stormtroopers in an attack on the Jedi Temple, slaying all that stand in his way. And just in case the audience didn’t quite understand that this guy was totally completely and utterly evil—Lucas goes there. Anakin enters the council chamber to find a group of young padawans cowering from the violence. “Anakin, what the crap is going on? Save us! Save us!” (or something like that) they cry. Swaaaansh goes the lightsaber. Whoooosh goes the door. And the Jedi younglings are no more.
Around the galaxy, Palpatine’s powerful tendrils pull taut, engaging his minions (many of whom are part the Republic’s clone army) to assassinate the Jedi they accompany. Many more Jedi are slaughtered, including the members of the council we’ve seen throughout the prequel trilogy: the blue chick, the long-headed guy with the beard, the dude with the weird buggy eyes…none are spared. Only Obi-Wan, who fights off a fierce attack by clone soldiers, and Yoda, aided by his Wookiee ally Chewbacca (Peter “Raaaaarggh” Mayhew), survive.
Palpatine, sensing victory is nigh, sends Anakin to the volcanic planet of Mustafar, where he has assembled the separatist leaders, presumably for their own safety. Before he goes, Anakin makes an impassioned plea to Padme, whom he apparently still loves quite deeply, to understand his decisions, to see the Jedis as the usurpers that they are and to side with him. Padme is unable to accede to his wishes, and Anakin departs Courescant alone. Arriving in Hell (yes, we get it George…we get it), Anakin attacks the separatist leaders and their droids with incredible fierceness, wiping them out in a matter of moments.
Obi-Wan and Yoda follow Anakin’s path to the Jedi Temple, where they learn the full extent of the horrors their pupil hath wrought, and then to Padme’s vista, where, after much wringing of hands and rending of garments and tearing of hairs Padme sends Obi-Wan away.
Padme, knows that only she has the power to stop the murderous rampage of the man she loves. She and C3P0 grab a little space ship and take off for Mustafar as Obi-Wan, unbeknownst to the ship’s other occupants, stows away for the journey. When she arrives in Hell, Padme quickly finds Anakin among the corpses of the separatists and tries to talk some sense into him. In fact, it seems she might be making some headway when Obi-Wan comes sauntering out of Padme’s ship. Anakin is enraged at the perceived betrayal and begins Force choking the shit outta Padme. Obi-Wan springs into action and thus begins the…wait…sorry…
Meanwhile, Yoda wanders around the Senate until he finds Palpatine’s office. After quickly disposing of the Imperial Guardsmen (in their cute matching red dresses), Yoda and Palpatine exchange a handful of less-than-witty barbs before the lightsabers get whipped out. And thus begins…no sorry, back to Hell again…
Obi-Wan, I guess sensing that Yoda and Palpatine have just begun the second half of the climactic duel between good and evil, springs into action. Anakin stops choking Padme and tosses her to the curb. Back and forth, forth and back they battle in an epic battle of master versus apprentice. They battle inside, where Anakin just wiped out the separatists. They battle back outside, where lava spews all around them. They battle down a long, narrow balance beam of metal and wirings (wtf? Where did that come from) and to another platform. And they battle. And they battle. They stop, grab a sandwich, watch the season finale of “Scrubs”, then battle some more. They battle near a control panel, which when tripped begins to feed the platform they stand on into the molten sea below. They swing from the platform (separately—yes, it’s an epic swordfight but it’s not THAT gay) and land on slabs of metal floating in the lava. Battle battle battle. Yadda yadda yadda. Eventually, Obi-Wan ends up on the shore of the molten lava river thingee and all but dares Anakin to attack the higher ground. Which he does—and promptly gets his legs sliced off. Hobbled and defeated, Anakin’s anger does not subside. He continues to spew his hatred toward Obi-Wan who, in a fit of pity or pure stupidity, does not finish his fallen apprentice off. Stand by and watch while he catches on fire and burns to a crisp? Yes. Finish him off? Hell no. He leaves to find C3P0 has helped Padme onto the ship. They take off, leaving the immolated, screaming (whining) Anakin Skywalker behind.
While all this is happening a world away, Palpatine, after battling battling battling Yoda around his office, through the halls, up into the Senate chamber and back down again (with some really kick ass throwing-of-modular-pod shit thrown in), allows his little green adversary to escape into the waiting cruiser of Bail Organa. Yoda laments, as they leave the Senate chamber that “into exile, I must go” and our minds wander to the swamps of Degobah.
Palpatine takes his men to Hell, where they rescue his charred and battered apprentice and carry him to his ship.
While elsewhere in the galaxy, Padme screams in pain (as foreseen in Anakin’s nightmares) as she gives birth. The midwife droid (can’t wait for THAT action figure) hands one of the children to Obi-Wan, who holds up the boy to Padme. “Luke” she calls him. Wow. What an oddly normal name for the child of people named “Padme” and “Anakin”. Then the midwife droid pulls out another baby, this one a girl. “Leia” says Padme. Now THAT’S more like it. Padme is clearly weakened by the birth of her twins and, oh yeah, the fact that her baby daddy just tried to Force strangle the shit outta her. She mutters a few take-care-a-them, may-the-force-be-with-you types of things to Obi-Wan (gimme a break, folks…we’re talking 2:15a easy by this point) and dies.
In Palpatine’s lair, his evil medical droids nurse the broken body of Anakin Skywalker back to health, implanting bionic legs and arms to replace the ones Obi-Wan sliced off. He is fitted with a black suit of armor with, inexplicably, a control panel for a remote control hovercraft welded on the front. A black mask is placed over his face. A shiny black helmet slides over his head and locks with an echoing click. And then that breathing. In and out. In and out. The noise the collective Star Wars universe has been waiting for since Lucas told us he was making these movies back in the early 90s. We slogged through slime and sludge and Jar-Jar and Jake Lloyd and bureaucratic rigmarole and corny professions of love for that…for that sound alone. Breathe in. Breathe out. Vader is back, baby. HE’S BAAAAAACK!
Funeral for Padme. Quite sad.
Palpatine tells Vader that it was he (Vader) that killed Padme. Vader unleashes a primal scream that rocks the lab they stand in, crushing vaguely medical looking beakers and tubes and knocking droids on their metal asses.
Obi-Wan and Yoda and Bail Organa decide that they’ve gotta split the twins up if they want to survive. Bail takes Leia (“My wife and I always talked about adopting a daughter”—yeah, sure pal) to Alderaan and Obi-Wan takes the boy--shit what’s his name again? Oh, yeah, Luke—to the moisture farm of Owen and Beru Lars on Tatooine. As Obi-Wan departs, Owen, Beru and baby Luke stare into the twin setting suns of Tatooine and smile. Fade out.
Whew. Ok, so that was a little more in depth than I’d planned on going, but I think you get the idea. It had its cheesy moments, but immeasurably less than the first two of the trilogy. Overall, though my analytical skills tell me that this installment is in fact superior to much of the original trilogy, my nostalgic heart makes it impossible for me to rate it higher than Episodes IV-VI. Well, except for Return of the Jedi. Fuggin’ Ewoks. I guess it goes:
1. Empire Strikes Back
2. A New Hope
3. Revenge of the Sith
4. Return of the Jedi
5. Attack of the Clones
6. The Phantom Crap-a-thon
That’s all I got. Go see the movie. It’s good.
As promised, there’s a whole lotta spoilers in here. Anakin becomes Darth Vader! There, I said it.
Also, I fear that as this “review” unfolds, I may slip into more of a synopsis than analysis. For this, I apologize. Rest assured, my personal thoughts should be interspersed throughout and recapitulated briefly at the conclusion. Due to the constraints of time, this entire bit will be done without benefit of a rewrite and based solely on memory from the wee hours of this morning, so it may come across a little stream-of-conscious-y. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? The opening twenty-odd minutes of the film capture a stunning if lengthy space battle/siege between our Jedi heroes, Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) and Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor), and the separatist forces of the idiotically named Count Dooku (Christopher “Saruman/Dracula” Lee) and the bio-droid warrior General Grievous (previously featured only in the animated “Clone War” series aired on Cartoon Network), who have captured Galactic Senate Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) for the purposes of…well…let’s not worry about that now. Suffice it to say that, after Obi-Wan is incapacitated, Anakin manages to defeat Count Dooku and, under the watchful eye and not-so-subtle prodding of the Chancellor, execute his defenseless prisoner by way of cold-blooded scissor-slicing beheading. Anakin immediately recognizes the error of his decision, seemingly surprised (though Christensen’s whiney monotony does little to evoke this emotion) at his callous and supremely un-Jedi-like actions. A harrowing escape through a conspicuously underguarded warship (couldn’t have sprung for a few extra guard-droids or a decent computerized security system, eh Dooku?) leads to a rough landing in the Galactic capital of Courescant for our heroes.
This is where things start getting dicey. Upon their return, Obi-Wan goes to discuss the happenings aboard the warship with the Jedi Council while Anakin shares an intimate moment with his new wife Padme Amidala (Natalie “GI Jane” Portman), who discloses to the joy/befuddlement of Anakin that she is pregnant with their child. Immediately we see (or are meant to see) the combination of joy and heartache that young Anakin feels: he loves Padme and wants to settle down, start a family, buy a moisture farm with a white picket fence, yadda yadda, but his status among the Jedi Order makes such a choice impossible. Sadly, George Lucas’ film school dialogue and cardboard cutout performances by Christensen & Portman cause this and further scenes of intimacy between the two to straddle the fine line between cringe-worthy tragedy and unintentional comedy. As luck would have it, the scenes are also sparse and brief, saving us all from the horrors of Episode II’s overwrought Naboobian love scenes.
Faced with the knowledge of his impending fatherhood, Anakin is immediately beset on both sides by rival factions of the Republic. Palpatine, still outwardly appreciative of his heroic rescue by Anakin, appoints the Jedi as his representative to the Jedi Council. The Council, through the voices of Masters Mace Windu (Sam Jackson, who may need extra postage if he’s gonna mail it in from this far away again) and Yoda (Frank Oz, still upset that he doesn’t get to stick his hand up a Muppet’s ass anymore), are suspicious of the political machinations of the power-hungry Chancellor and charge Anakin with the task of keeping tabs on his new friend’s dealings. Though Anakin seems suspicious of both parties, he nonetheless accepts his new position as Jedi ambassador to the Chancellor, though he is clearly agitated by Windu’s caveat that he not yet ascend to the rank of Jedi Master. And though Anakin thought himself fit for the task, Obi-Wan is directed to hunt down Grievous and the droid armies on the industrial planet of Utapau. Likewise Yoda is due to leave for Kashyyyk, a planet also under threat of separatist attack, where his battalion of clone soldiers and indigenous Wookiee allies await him.
Propelled by nightmares in which he witnesses Padme’s death during childbirth, Anakin soon awakens to the idea that he may be able to change her fate. With all the slimy charm and cunning of a snake oil salesman conning rubes from the back of a pickup, Chancellor Palpatine expresses disappointment in the Council’s lack of appreciation of Anakin’s heroics and shares with Anakin the story of Darth Plagueis, a Sith Lord who learned to manipulate the power of the Dark Side to save his companions from death. Anakin is adequately intrigued and begins to show increased susceptibility to the seeds of evil Palpatine plants.
On Utapau, Obi-Wan is alerted by a local official that the planet is under siege by the separatist army. Aboard a monstrous quadrapedal lizard steed, Obi-Wan maneuvers the vast chasms of the planet, surreptitiously locating Grievous’ hiding spot high in the rocky cliffs. Grievous, it seems, is in direct contact with Darth Sidious (whom we know to be Chancellor Palpatine) and has received instructions from the Dark Lord to destroy as many Jedi as possible. In true Obi-Wan fashion, our hero interrupts Grievous’ plotting and wipes out the army of attack droids the retreating Grievous sets on him. Grievous reappears aboard a giant mechanical weapon-loaded wheely thing…and the chase is on! Obi-Wan manages to destroy his opponent’s vehicle…and the gratuitous lightsaber duel is on! In one of the action highlights of the film, Grievous reveals an additional set of arms and expertly wields a lightsaber in each hand, each from a Jedi he has slain in the past. Obi-Wan is nearly defeated, by Grievous’ whirring blades, but manages to obtain control of a wayward blaster and kill Grievous.
Obi-Wan quickly sends word back to the Council of Palpatine’s nefarious plot against the Jedi and Mace Windu musters a force to confront the Chancellor. Palpatine reveals his true nature at last, easily slaying Windu’s companion Jedis and turning his full Sith wrath upon the Jedi Master. Palpatine’s power is superior to that of Windu, and he quickly gains the upperhand, blarsting the shit outta poor Windu with lightning bolts from his fingertips (which we, of course, see copiously in Luke’s battle with the Emperor in Episode VI). Mace manages to turn the tide temporarily, blarsting the lightning back from whence it came and scarring Palpatine and giving him the horrific appearance he carries into the original trilogy. Anakin enters the scene as the two powerful masters are engaged in a death struggle high above the city of Courescant and immediately must make a decision: trust his newfound mentor Palpatine’s assertions that the Jedi Council is making a play to overthrow the Senate and take control of the Republic themselves; or side with Windu and the Jedi, killing Palpatine and with him the possibility of learning the Dark Side powers that might save Padme. Of course, though Anakin is strong in the Force, he is weak of will and his youthful fear of loss leads to disastrous ends. Windu is defeated, struck down by Palpatine and his new apprentice. The veil lifted, Palpatine finally reveals his true nature to Anakin, that of Darth Sidious, Sith Lord and lays out his nefarious plot to himself overthrow the Senate and enslave the galaxy under his imperial rule. Anakin swears his allegiance to Sidious and is rechristened by his new master with the nomenclature of the Sith warriors. Thus is born Darth Vader.
Back at the Senate, Palpatine explains that the Jedi have turned on the Republic, and in the face of such danger, exercises his emergency powers to reform the Republic into an Empire, under his unilateral control. There is much rejoicing by those Senators allied with the Sith Lord, though others, including Bail Organa (Jimmy “they paid me for all three movies” Smits) are less than thrilled. Padme quips: “So this is how liberty is lost—to thunderous applause” (prolly the best expository exclamation in this whole dogmatic jumble).
Meanwhile, Anakin enacts Palpatine’s wicked plan. The powerful Sith apprentice leads an army of clones/stormtroopers in an attack on the Jedi Temple, slaying all that stand in his way. And just in case the audience didn’t quite understand that this guy was totally completely and utterly evil—Lucas goes there. Anakin enters the council chamber to find a group of young padawans cowering from the violence. “Anakin, what the crap is going on? Save us! Save us!” (or something like that) they cry. Swaaaansh goes the lightsaber. Whoooosh goes the door. And the Jedi younglings are no more.
Around the galaxy, Palpatine’s powerful tendrils pull taut, engaging his minions (many of whom are part the Republic’s clone army) to assassinate the Jedi they accompany. Many more Jedi are slaughtered, including the members of the council we’ve seen throughout the prequel trilogy: the blue chick, the long-headed guy with the beard, the dude with the weird buggy eyes…none are spared. Only Obi-Wan, who fights off a fierce attack by clone soldiers, and Yoda, aided by his Wookiee ally Chewbacca (Peter “Raaaaarggh” Mayhew), survive.
Palpatine, sensing victory is nigh, sends Anakin to the volcanic planet of Mustafar, where he has assembled the separatist leaders, presumably for their own safety. Before he goes, Anakin makes an impassioned plea to Padme, whom he apparently still loves quite deeply, to understand his decisions, to see the Jedis as the usurpers that they are and to side with him. Padme is unable to accede to his wishes, and Anakin departs Courescant alone. Arriving in Hell (yes, we get it George…we get it), Anakin attacks the separatist leaders and their droids with incredible fierceness, wiping them out in a matter of moments.
Obi-Wan and Yoda follow Anakin’s path to the Jedi Temple, where they learn the full extent of the horrors their pupil hath wrought, and then to Padme’s vista, where, after much wringing of hands and rending of garments and tearing of hairs Padme sends Obi-Wan away.
Padme, knows that only she has the power to stop the murderous rampage of the man she loves. She and C3P0 grab a little space ship and take off for Mustafar as Obi-Wan, unbeknownst to the ship’s other occupants, stows away for the journey. When she arrives in Hell, Padme quickly finds Anakin among the corpses of the separatists and tries to talk some sense into him. In fact, it seems she might be making some headway when Obi-Wan comes sauntering out of Padme’s ship. Anakin is enraged at the perceived betrayal and begins Force choking the shit outta Padme. Obi-Wan springs into action and thus begins the…wait…sorry…
Meanwhile, Yoda wanders around the Senate until he finds Palpatine’s office. After quickly disposing of the Imperial Guardsmen (in their cute matching red dresses), Yoda and Palpatine exchange a handful of less-than-witty barbs before the lightsabers get whipped out. And thus begins…no sorry, back to Hell again…
Obi-Wan, I guess sensing that Yoda and Palpatine have just begun the second half of the climactic duel between good and evil, springs into action. Anakin stops choking Padme and tosses her to the curb. Back and forth, forth and back they battle in an epic battle of master versus apprentice. They battle inside, where Anakin just wiped out the separatists. They battle back outside, where lava spews all around them. They battle down a long, narrow balance beam of metal and wirings (wtf? Where did that come from) and to another platform. And they battle. And they battle. They stop, grab a sandwich, watch the season finale of “Scrubs”, then battle some more. They battle near a control panel, which when tripped begins to feed the platform they stand on into the molten sea below. They swing from the platform (separately—yes, it’s an epic swordfight but it’s not THAT gay) and land on slabs of metal floating in the lava. Battle battle battle. Yadda yadda yadda. Eventually, Obi-Wan ends up on the shore of the molten lava river thingee and all but dares Anakin to attack the higher ground. Which he does—and promptly gets his legs sliced off. Hobbled and defeated, Anakin’s anger does not subside. He continues to spew his hatred toward Obi-Wan who, in a fit of pity or pure stupidity, does not finish his fallen apprentice off. Stand by and watch while he catches on fire and burns to a crisp? Yes. Finish him off? Hell no. He leaves to find C3P0 has helped Padme onto the ship. They take off, leaving the immolated, screaming (whining) Anakin Skywalker behind.
While all this is happening a world away, Palpatine, after battling battling battling Yoda around his office, through the halls, up into the Senate chamber and back down again (with some really kick ass throwing-of-modular-pod shit thrown in), allows his little green adversary to escape into the waiting cruiser of Bail Organa. Yoda laments, as they leave the Senate chamber that “into exile, I must go” and our minds wander to the swamps of Degobah.
Palpatine takes his men to Hell, where they rescue his charred and battered apprentice and carry him to his ship.
While elsewhere in the galaxy, Padme screams in pain (as foreseen in Anakin’s nightmares) as she gives birth. The midwife droid (can’t wait for THAT action figure) hands one of the children to Obi-Wan, who holds up the boy to Padme. “Luke” she calls him. Wow. What an oddly normal name for the child of people named “Padme” and “Anakin”. Then the midwife droid pulls out another baby, this one a girl. “Leia” says Padme. Now THAT’S more like it. Padme is clearly weakened by the birth of her twins and, oh yeah, the fact that her baby daddy just tried to Force strangle the shit outta her. She mutters a few take-care-a-them, may-the-force-be-with-you types of things to Obi-Wan (gimme a break, folks…we’re talking 2:15a easy by this point) and dies.
In Palpatine’s lair, his evil medical droids nurse the broken body of Anakin Skywalker back to health, implanting bionic legs and arms to replace the ones Obi-Wan sliced off. He is fitted with a black suit of armor with, inexplicably, a control panel for a remote control hovercraft welded on the front. A black mask is placed over his face. A shiny black helmet slides over his head and locks with an echoing click. And then that breathing. In and out. In and out. The noise the collective Star Wars universe has been waiting for since Lucas told us he was making these movies back in the early 90s. We slogged through slime and sludge and Jar-Jar and Jake Lloyd and bureaucratic rigmarole and corny professions of love for that…for that sound alone. Breathe in. Breathe out. Vader is back, baby. HE’S BAAAAAACK!
Funeral for Padme. Quite sad.
Palpatine tells Vader that it was he (Vader) that killed Padme. Vader unleashes a primal scream that rocks the lab they stand in, crushing vaguely medical looking beakers and tubes and knocking droids on their metal asses.
Obi-Wan and Yoda and Bail Organa decide that they’ve gotta split the twins up if they want to survive. Bail takes Leia (“My wife and I always talked about adopting a daughter”—yeah, sure pal) to Alderaan and Obi-Wan takes the boy--shit what’s his name again? Oh, yeah, Luke—to the moisture farm of Owen and Beru Lars on Tatooine. As Obi-Wan departs, Owen, Beru and baby Luke stare into the twin setting suns of Tatooine and smile. Fade out.
Whew. Ok, so that was a little more in depth than I’d planned on going, but I think you get the idea. It had its cheesy moments, but immeasurably less than the first two of the trilogy. Overall, though my analytical skills tell me that this installment is in fact superior to much of the original trilogy, my nostalgic heart makes it impossible for me to rate it higher than Episodes IV-VI. Well, except for Return of the Jedi. Fuggin’ Ewoks. I guess it goes:
1. Empire Strikes Back
2. A New Hope
3. Revenge of the Sith
4. Return of the Jedi
5. Attack of the Clones
6. The Phantom Crap-a-thon
That’s all I got. Go see the movie. It’s good.
posted by bd @ 5/19/2005 06:47:00 PM
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