'I killed Tony Danza.'*

Now that’s a phrase I thought I would never hear.

And yet there it was, front and “Center” on the 11pm SportsCenter last night. And of course here on the interweb as well. NASCAR bad boy Rusty Wallace and actor/talk show host/purported “Boss” Tony Danza, decked out in bright, primary-colored jumpsuits strapping themselves into matching go-karts for a race through the (tragically) blocked off streets of midtown Manhattan. Danza taking an early lead on the notoriously aggressive Wallace. Wallace closing the gap and riding Danza through a few turns. The crowd gasping and cheering and laughing at the spectacle of elderly America’s favorite “showman” beating one of the stars of America’s fastest growing spectator “sport” at his own game.

Then fate stepped in. Or rather, Wallace’s competitive instincts did. Faced with the prospect of defeat at the hands of an ambiguously gay musical comedian daytime television personality, Wallace refused to give up without a fight. Employing a car racing technique dubbed “The Bump-and-Run”, Wallace accelerated to ride the back of Danza’s kart, bumping him slightly and forcing the excitable Danza into a dangerous fishtail. As Wallace continued his playful punishment, Danza’s rig hurtled towards the hay and tire embankment of the makeshift track, tipping on its side and rolling completely over and back onto its wheels. If you look closely at the video (which I highly recommend), you’ll see Danza’s past-prime boyish good-lookin’ head bend back and to the left (back and to the left) then hit and DRAG several car tires as his kart hurtles towards oblivion.

From the periphery, an army of bodyguards, PAs, flacks and handlers rush to the aid of the downed former Taxi star, righting his kart and repairing any damage that his hair or make-up might have incurred.

It appears, upon first glance, that no major trauma stemmed from the event. No ambulance. No neck brace. No thumbs up to the adoring throng while being wheeled, motionless, into a waiting airlift helicopter. Danza is nonplussed. He jokes with the camera and even playfully banters with his would-be assassin Wallace.

Danza has survived. He has looked into the eyes of death and come back to tell the tale (and maybe do a Verizon commercial). And that is why he is the worthy recipient—and namesake—of the newest weekly feature here on NMTE: The “I killed Tony Danza” Absurd Death (or Near Death) of the Week.

Seriously. Just watch the video.


*No washed up TV actors were harmed in the production of this column