Inane Query Letter of the Week #6

It has been a few weeks since the Inane Query Letter of the Week feature has run in this space. And since I know that you’ve all got moist spots in your underoos in anticipation of its return, I will delay no longer. Behold: THE GHOST WHISPERER

Logline: Love never dies. It attacks.

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,

To pay the bills, Kastinar uses her psychic skills to hunt ghosts for a murderous law firm. She barters and bargains with the dearly departed to get them to stop trying to kill the attorneys who wronged them, and instead wander into the pretty light to have a nice chat with their grandparents.

Through this process, Kastinar has been punched, slapped, and pushed out a two-story window, but she’s never been afraid.

Now, however, she has finally come across a ghost who decides to hunt her just as she begins a relationship with a telekinetic named Morticus.

As the ghost attacks become more violent, Kastinar has to decide if she cares enough about Morticus to learn why his mouth bleeds and his temper roars after a visit to a haunted house, which seems to entwine him with the ghost.

The Ghost Whisperer is a story about the agonizing need to protect love. Dead or alive.

I would love the chance to send you a copy of The Ghost Whisperer. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

NAME WITHHELD TO PROTECT THE STUPID

In a moment of pure “You had me at ‘hello’” brilliance, this week’s winner had the title locked up from the moment I laid eyes on that logline. Add to it a banal, porous supernatural plot and some of the worst on-the-nose character names this side of King Sharkor, and we’ve got ourselves a real dyed-in-the-wool competitor for the Worst Query Letter Ever title.

At least the writer was courteous enough to thank the reader for the three minutes of their life wasted reading this letter that will never ever ever ever be regained.