Inane Query Letter of the Week #2

Since tomorrow is a corporate holiday (for Good Friday) and I don’t foresee investing any of my well earned rest time toiling away here on NMTE, I’ve taken the liberty of moving up a day our new feature, Inane Query Letter of the Week, to today. Please remain calm, things will return to normal next week, when IQLW will return to its normally scheduled Friday slot and Thursday’s posting will consist entirely of pictures of monkeys smoking cigarettes and snarky comments about Pat O'Brien's stint in rehab.

This week’s entry comes to us via e-mail from a gentleman in a country whose e-mail addresses end in “.br”. I’m leaning towards Bulgaria or Belarus myself, but due to the nautical nature of the query, it could easily be from Burma or Burundi. In any case, it’s not often that a query letter inspired me to actually enquire as to receiving a copy of an advertised script—ok, so it’s never happened—but this week’s letter came about as close to forcing me to do so as any query since the immortal “Mime Cop”. Words truly cannot do it justice. Just read.

Warning: this feature is not for the faint of heart (or the good of taste for that matter). The following is unedited and all typos/misspellings have been left in their original forms. Enjoy.

Dear Sirs,

I'd like to ask you for your kind permission in allowing me to submit a hard copy of my script KING SHARK. It's family-children oriented and it has a sequel, PLANET SHARK.

I'd really be very happy if you allowed me to submit it to you, for your evaluation.

KING SHARK
Henry, a three years old baby, who's a cartoon addict, gets swallowed by his own TV set inside his parents home, ending nearby KING SHARK's island. There, together with other kids from all over the world, who are also cartoon addicts, they are now eleven years old and have to run and try to escape from the evil sharkies, creatures that look like penguins, have a shark face, chicken feet, red eyes and can talk!Meanwhile, KING SHARK, a huge white and black shark, who rules the place, wants to have his own cartoon show aired by a major TV network. Needless to say that KING SHARK negotiates and tries to blackmail the TV network into airing his cartoon, threatening to swallow all the kids he captures! The network finally agrees and KING SHARK is a success! Every kid all over the world loves him and he sells tons of products and franchises, being turned into a very wealthy shark, together with his agent! Until, one day, he forgets to turn off the hidden cameras on his island and the world watches stunned, on their TV sets, what really is going on in his island! Henry and his friends have to run and try to escape from KING SHARK, the evil sharkies, aligators, white sharks, mummies and vampires, to get back to the cartoon machine that might bring them back to their homes! As the plot takes place, KING SHARK's cousin, KING SHARKOR, glimpses from another galaxy, where he lives, on planet SHARKOS, every step of what's happening! But that's the sequel!

I'd be very happy if you'd allow me to submit a hard copy of my script, as its family-children oriented and kids all over the world would be thrilled with KING SHARK and PLANET SHARK!

Thanks and best regards,

NAME WITHHELD TO PROTECT THE STUPID

Quite Simply put:

Best.

Query Letter.

EVER.