Goldstein vs. Schneider: The Revenge

In the spirit of spreading the great word of incestuous celebrity gossip around the globe, I have painstakingly transcribed (after failing to find online) a letter from cinematic mastermind Rob Schneider (“The Hot Chick”, “The Animal”) to Patrick Goldstein, writer for the Los Angeles Times Calendar Live section (and an incredibly delightful guy to talk to on the phone). Below is the scathing letter from Schneider, printed in today’s Variety and Hollywood Reporter, followed by the excerpt from Goldstein’s article in the January 26th Times that inspired Schneider’s wrath. Yes, this is the stuff that makes waves in this town. Enjoy.

"Dear Patrick Goldstein, Staff Writer for the Los Angeles Times,

My name is Rob Schneider and I am responding to your January 26 front page cover story in the LA Times, where you used my upcoming sequel to ‘Deuce Bigalow’ as an example of why Hollywood Studios are lagging behind the Independents in Academy nominations. According to your logic, Hollywood Studios are too busy making sequels like ‘Deuce Bigalow’ instead of making movies that you would like to see. Well Mr. Goldstein, as far as your snide comments about me and my film not being nominated for an Academy Award, I decided to do some research to find what awards you have won.

I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind. Disappointed, I went to the Pulitzer Prize database of past winners and nominees. I thought, surely, there must be an omission. I typed in the name Patrick Goldstein and again, zippo—nada. No Pulitzer Prizes or nominations for a ‘Mr. Patrick Goldstein.’ There was, however, a nomination for an Amy Goldstein. I contacted Ms. Goldstein in Rhode Island, she assured me she was not an alias of yours and in fact like most of the World had no idea of your existence.

Frankly, I am surprised the LA Times would hire someone like you with so few or, actually, no accolades to work on their front page. Surely there must be a larger talent pool for the LA Times to draw from. Perhaps, someone who has at least won a ‘Cable Ace Award.’

Maybe, Mr. Goldstein, you didn’t win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven’t invented a category for “Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter, Who’s Never Been Acknowledged By His Peers!”

Patrick, I can honestly say that if I sat with your colleagues at a luncheon, afterwards, they’d say, “You know, that Rob Schneider is a pretty intelligent guy, I hope we can do that again.” Whereas, if you sat with my colleagues, after lunch, you would just be beaten beyond recognition.

For the record, Patrick, your research is shabby as well. My next film is not ‘Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo 2.’ It’s ‘Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,’ in theaters EVERYWHERE August 12th, 2005.

All my best,
Rob Schneider"

Now Goldstein’s blurb (in a very good column about this year’s Oscar nominees):

“The other nominated films were orphans — ignored, unloved and turned down flat by most of the same studios that eagerly remake dozens of old TV series (aren't you looking forward to a bigger, dumber version of "The Dukes of Hazzard"?) or bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo," a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic.”

I can only imagine that one of the following hypotheses must be true:

1. Rob Schneider is feeling very touchy about his buddy Adam Sandler’s transformation into matinee star while he toils in the “retarded neighbor” role in Sandler’s flicks.
2. Schneider is feigning indignation with Goldstein in order to advertise his latest flop-to-be.
3. Schneider and Goldstein orchestrated the tête-à-tête for the same purpose.
4. Schneider’s career is so far gone that the only way he is EVER getting in the pages of Variety is by taking out a full page ad virtually BEGGING people to see his new movie (which may yet go straight to video).

Stay tuned for updates on the ongoing story of Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous “Comedians” and the Hollywood Beat Writers Who Are Threatened With Beatings By Them.

UPDATE: Ack! All of my painstaking work for naught! Only now do I realize that celebrity gossip monger and valuable work time chewer upper The Defamer has beat me to the scoop! One of these days, Defamer…one of these days…