Football Fantasizing
You know your fantasy football team is in trouble when you find yourself having this IM conversation:
Me: You think I’ve got a better chance this week with Amos Zereoue or Brad Hoover at RB?
Dok: Geez. Maybe Zereoue?
Me: You think? Even with Wheatley back?
Dok: I have no clue, to be honest.
Me: I hear Stephen Davis is getting shut down for the season. I think Hoover might get a lotta action against the Niners.
Dok: Hey, I gotta run…
Me: Sigh.
On to the picks (Home team in CAPS):
Kansas City over NEW ORLEANS – OK seriously…have these Chiefs been playing with twelve on offense and ten on defense or what? I mean, have you ever seen a team put up scores like this three weeks in a row: 56-10, 45-35, 34-31? What is this, Madden ’94?
N.Y. JETS over Baltimore – Quin-cy Car-ter! Clap clap clap-clap-clap! Quin-cy Car-ter! Clap clap clap-clap-clap!
JACKSONVILLE over Detroit – This team could finish 9-7 and win a division that boasts the two reigning co-MVPs. They won’t…but they could
Tampa Bay over ATLANTA – I’d like to take a moment in memory of one of the greatest virtual athletes of our time: Madden Mike Vick. The Madden 2004 Mike Vick was a force of nature, a video game offensive playmaker not seen since Madden ’97 Favre or mebbe even Tecmo Bo Jackson. Madden Mike was at once a superstar, a game case coverboy and an anomaly, a 99 on a team of 78s. When you played the Falcons in Madden ’04, you didn’t play WITH Mike Vick, you played AS Mike Vick. If the ball wasn’t in Vick’s hands for 90% of the team’s plays, you lost. If Vick did run and pass that much, he was unstoppable.
This year is different. Madden Vick 2005 has been hamstrung by 8 lost points from last year and much improved defensive play control that allows for both containment and crisper tackles. Someone like Ray Lewis, who has always been highly rated in the game, is finally allowed to live up to his rating. Madden Vick, however, has fallen back to earth, Lucifer in eye black, stripped of his wings cast down from Paradise. There may never again be the kind of magic that comes from a QB-option strong where there really is no option (if the video football messiah is holding the ball at the snap, is he really supposed to pitch it back to T.J. Duckett?). R.I.P., Madden Vick. Tell Bo I said hello.
Pittsburgh over CLEVELAND – Nothing makes me happier to hear the national media crowing about Big Ben and the Steelers being the best team in the league. The Pats have already won two Super Bowls when not favored to do so…
Seattle over ST. LOUIS – After watching the Rams’ performance against the Patriots last week, I’m seriously beginning to wonder if Mike Martz’ deal with the Devil didn’t expire in February 2001 and for the last few years he’s just been running on fumes. Seriously, there is all this talk, especially when it comes to contract and financial matters, about football being a business, a moneymaking apparatus first and foremost. So tell me this: if the public face of your business (in this case, the Head Coach) was outsmarted to the point of humiliation on a regular basis, even while working with superior product (the Rams’ offense), causing the entire business to go down the crapper, would he still be there? I mean, Dave Wannstadt quit the 1-8 Dolphins this week because he has no quarterback, his best receiver got injured in training camp, and his best runningback is too busy picking out real estate in Humboldt county to play. Martz, on the other hand, is playing with a full roster, no less than five Pro-Bowlers (Marc Bulger, Torry Holt, Isaac Bruce, Marshall Faulk, Orlando Pace) on offense and manages to lose a game by twenty points to a team who’s defensive backfield included an undrafted rookie (Randall Gay) a wide receiver (Troy Brown) a special teams linebacker (Don Davis) and a practice squad call-up (Earthwind Moreland). Honestly, I think I’d pick Jim Haslett as my coach before this guy. OK, mebbe I’ve gone too far.
TENNESSEE over Chicago – I just found out last week that Billy Volek isn’t the quarterback for the UNIVERSITY of Tennessee. Go Vols!
INDIANAPOLIS over Houston – Congratulations, Houston Texans! You have secured the vaunted spot among my surprise playoff teams…next year.
WASHINGTON over Cincinnati – The Redskins might have the best all-around defensive unit in the league right now, but nobody notices because Mark Brunell throws like a girl.
GREEN BAY over Minnesota – I’m still not ready to bet against Favre at Lambeau after November 1st. Give me time.
ARIZONA over N.Y. Giants – The Giants lost their two best defensive linemen last week against da Bears. Someone call Tom Petty ‘cause the G-men are freeeeeeeee fallin’.
Carolina over SAN FRANCISCO – If I were to say Brad Hoover is the poor man’s Lorenzo Neal…would that be a good thing?
NEW ENGLAND over Buffalo – Oh man oh man. I hope the Pats can beat the Bills to keep pace with those big bad Pittsburgh Steelers. They are sooooooo goooooooooood! The Pats are gonna have to win out and hope the Steelers miraculously drop one, ‘cause I sure don’t want our poor boys having to travel to Pittsburgh in the playoffs! I’m soooooooo scaaaaaaaared!
Philadelphia over DALLAS – This could be the week that Bill Parcells finally snaps. Would anybody be surprised to hear this on Monday night:
Al Michaels: Hello and welcome back to MONDAY Night Football. We’ve just received word that there’s a bit of a disturbance down on the Cowboys’ sideline. Let’s go to Michelle Tafoya for an update. Michelle?
Michelle Tafoya: Al, I’m here on the Cowboys sideline and it’s a bit tough to figure out what exactly is happening down here, but we’re hearing that Cowboys’ coach Bill Parcells has ripped the head clean off of backup runningback Rashad Lee and now appears to be shitting down Lee’s neck. You’ll remember that it was Lee who failed to pick up Lito Shepard on the corner blitz, allowing Shepard to sack quarterback Vinny Testaverde and cause his NFL record 246th fumble. We’ll get you an update when we get word on Lee’s condition. Back to you, Al.
Al: Thanks Michelle. John, that didn’t appear to be in the Cowboys’ gameplan at the beginning of the game tonight.
John Madden: I’ll tell you what, Bill Parcells is a tough, tough guy, and sometimes tough guys like him get upset when other guys aren’t as tough as they should be. And that’s just what happened here.
Al: We’re looking at the replay now, and it appears that after Lee ran to the sideline, Parcells just grabbed him by the helmet and pulled…
John: And here you see it…THERE! That’s where the head just separated from the neck. And then he just tosses the helmet aside like a big ol’ chicken bone. Now THAT’S separation.
Al: Thanks Jon. We had Rashad Lee miked up for tonight’s game, and I’m fairly positive that we can hear his spine split. Let’s take a listen…
Last week: 8-6
Overall: 73-57 (56%)
Me: You think I’ve got a better chance this week with Amos Zereoue or Brad Hoover at RB?
Dok: Geez. Maybe Zereoue?
Me: You think? Even with Wheatley back?
Dok: I have no clue, to be honest.
Me: I hear Stephen Davis is getting shut down for the season. I think Hoover might get a lotta action against the Niners.
Dok: Hey, I gotta run…
Me: Sigh.
On to the picks (Home team in CAPS):
Kansas City over NEW ORLEANS – OK seriously…have these Chiefs been playing with twelve on offense and ten on defense or what? I mean, have you ever seen a team put up scores like this three weeks in a row: 56-10, 45-35, 34-31? What is this, Madden ’94?
N.Y. JETS over Baltimore – Quin-cy Car-ter! Clap clap clap-clap-clap! Quin-cy Car-ter! Clap clap clap-clap-clap!
JACKSONVILLE over Detroit – This team could finish 9-7 and win a division that boasts the two reigning co-MVPs. They won’t…but they could
Tampa Bay over ATLANTA – I’d like to take a moment in memory of one of the greatest virtual athletes of our time: Madden Mike Vick. The Madden 2004 Mike Vick was a force of nature, a video game offensive playmaker not seen since Madden ’97 Favre or mebbe even Tecmo Bo Jackson. Madden Mike was at once a superstar, a game case coverboy and an anomaly, a 99 on a team of 78s. When you played the Falcons in Madden ’04, you didn’t play WITH Mike Vick, you played AS Mike Vick. If the ball wasn’t in Vick’s hands for 90% of the team’s plays, you lost. If Vick did run and pass that much, he was unstoppable.
This year is different. Madden Vick 2005 has been hamstrung by 8 lost points from last year and much improved defensive play control that allows for both containment and crisper tackles. Someone like Ray Lewis, who has always been highly rated in the game, is finally allowed to live up to his rating. Madden Vick, however, has fallen back to earth, Lucifer in eye black, stripped of his wings cast down from Paradise. There may never again be the kind of magic that comes from a QB-option strong where there really is no option (if the video football messiah is holding the ball at the snap, is he really supposed to pitch it back to T.J. Duckett?). R.I.P., Madden Vick. Tell Bo I said hello.
Pittsburgh over CLEVELAND – Nothing makes me happier to hear the national media crowing about Big Ben and the Steelers being the best team in the league. The Pats have already won two Super Bowls when not favored to do so…
Seattle over ST. LOUIS – After watching the Rams’ performance against the Patriots last week, I’m seriously beginning to wonder if Mike Martz’ deal with the Devil didn’t expire in February 2001 and for the last few years he’s just been running on fumes. Seriously, there is all this talk, especially when it comes to contract and financial matters, about football being a business, a moneymaking apparatus first and foremost. So tell me this: if the public face of your business (in this case, the Head Coach) was outsmarted to the point of humiliation on a regular basis, even while working with superior product (the Rams’ offense), causing the entire business to go down the crapper, would he still be there? I mean, Dave Wannstadt quit the 1-8 Dolphins this week because he has no quarterback, his best receiver got injured in training camp, and his best runningback is too busy picking out real estate in Humboldt county to play. Martz, on the other hand, is playing with a full roster, no less than five Pro-Bowlers (Marc Bulger, Torry Holt, Isaac Bruce, Marshall Faulk, Orlando Pace) on offense and manages to lose a game by twenty points to a team who’s defensive backfield included an undrafted rookie (Randall Gay) a wide receiver (Troy Brown) a special teams linebacker (Don Davis) and a practice squad call-up (Earthwind Moreland). Honestly, I think I’d pick Jim Haslett as my coach before this guy. OK, mebbe I’ve gone too far.
TENNESSEE over Chicago – I just found out last week that Billy Volek isn’t the quarterback for the UNIVERSITY of Tennessee. Go Vols!
INDIANAPOLIS over Houston – Congratulations, Houston Texans! You have secured the vaunted spot among my surprise playoff teams…next year.
WASHINGTON over Cincinnati – The Redskins might have the best all-around defensive unit in the league right now, but nobody notices because Mark Brunell throws like a girl.
GREEN BAY over Minnesota – I’m still not ready to bet against Favre at Lambeau after November 1st. Give me time.
ARIZONA over N.Y. Giants – The Giants lost their two best defensive linemen last week against da Bears. Someone call Tom Petty ‘cause the G-men are freeeeeeeee fallin’.
Carolina over SAN FRANCISCO – If I were to say Brad Hoover is the poor man’s Lorenzo Neal…would that be a good thing?
NEW ENGLAND over Buffalo – Oh man oh man. I hope the Pats can beat the Bills to keep pace with those big bad Pittsburgh Steelers. They are sooooooo goooooooooood! The Pats are gonna have to win out and hope the Steelers miraculously drop one, ‘cause I sure don’t want our poor boys having to travel to Pittsburgh in the playoffs! I’m soooooooo scaaaaaaaared!
Philadelphia over DALLAS – This could be the week that Bill Parcells finally snaps. Would anybody be surprised to hear this on Monday night:
Al Michaels: Hello and welcome back to MONDAY Night Football. We’ve just received word that there’s a bit of a disturbance down on the Cowboys’ sideline. Let’s go to Michelle Tafoya for an update. Michelle?
Michelle Tafoya: Al, I’m here on the Cowboys sideline and it’s a bit tough to figure out what exactly is happening down here, but we’re hearing that Cowboys’ coach Bill Parcells has ripped the head clean off of backup runningback Rashad Lee and now appears to be shitting down Lee’s neck. You’ll remember that it was Lee who failed to pick up Lito Shepard on the corner blitz, allowing Shepard to sack quarterback Vinny Testaverde and cause his NFL record 246th fumble. We’ll get you an update when we get word on Lee’s condition. Back to you, Al.
Al: Thanks Michelle. John, that didn’t appear to be in the Cowboys’ gameplan at the beginning of the game tonight.
John Madden: I’ll tell you what, Bill Parcells is a tough, tough guy, and sometimes tough guys like him get upset when other guys aren’t as tough as they should be. And that’s just what happened here.
Al: We’re looking at the replay now, and it appears that after Lee ran to the sideline, Parcells just grabbed him by the helmet and pulled…
John: And here you see it…THERE! That’s where the head just separated from the neck. And then he just tosses the helmet aside like a big ol’ chicken bone. Now THAT’S separation.
Al: Thanks Jon. We had Rashad Lee miked up for tonight’s game, and I’m fairly positive that we can hear his spine split. Let’s take a listen…
Last week: 8-6
Overall: 73-57 (56%)
posted by bd @ 11/12/2004 06:23:00 PM
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