What can I say about today’s game, except that I honestly needed to call my mom at the end of it to make sure she hadn’t had a heart attack. The combination of blowing at 6-1 lead, getting positively stifled by K-Rod, Foulkie striking out The Artist Formerly Known as Garrett Anderson swinging and then Troy Glaus on that positively nasty check swing change, D-Lowe’s emergence from the bullpen, Bellhorn screwing up the bunt, Man-Ram’s weak called third strike, Jarrod “D-Lowe West” Washburn coming in to face Shrek, and Shrek’s subsequent bomb into the Monster seats nearly made me lose my sushi (that’s a California expression. You’ll understand when you’re older). And that was just from the 8th inning on. Excuse me if I sound a bit hysterical, but there is just something about this team, man. Clutch hits, big pitching in tough situations (Timmy withstanding), solid defense (didja see that pick up by OC at short on that slow grounder in the 10th? You think Mr. Hamm coulda made that play, even in his prime?), and the specter of FINALLY having the real lefty-righty big boppers that have eluded us for years. These Sox sure have a way about them. I’m still giddy. Prolly will be all weekend. Not a bad birthday present.

But baseball excitement aside, it is Friday, and with Friday comes the NFL picks for the week. Now last week, as you may remember, I was coming off a 12-2 weekend and feeling pretty high on myself, presuming that my luck would continue even if I switched up the method and bet point spreads. The result: a 7-7 weekend and a return to planet Earth. That said, your favorite pigskin prognosticator (no, I mean me, dammit) will return to the method that has made him a successful picker. No spreads. No points. Just the games. Leave the point spreads to the bookies.

Home team in CAPS:

ATLANTA over Detroit – The Falcons defensive pass rush has been completely dominant thus far, with this big white dude Kearney churning out something like 7 sacks in four games. Expect Joey Harrington and the suspect Lions line (their highest paid OL player is a guard. That should tell you something) to add to that total.

NEW ENGLAND over Miami – 18 and counting.

NEW ORLEANS over Tampa Bay – The Saints may be the most frustrating team in the league. One week, they destroy the Rams in St. Louis, the next week they travel to ‘Zona and get outtoughed and outplayed by the Cards. That said, Tampa is starting Chris Simms for the first time this week and everyone of the skill players they’d planned to start the season (Charlie Garner, Joey Galloway, Joe Jurevicius, Keenan McCardell) is injured or inactive. Gimme the Saints, just don’t tell anyone, ok?

PITTSBURGH over Cleveland – It’s official: the Ben Roethlessessessessburgerererer bandwagon is making a pitstop in LA and I’m hopping on. Nevermind that I have yet to pick the Steelers to win a game this year and they are now 3-1. Hope my added weight doesn’t tip that shit over.

HOUSTON over Minnesota – This appears to be the en vogue upset of the week, and I understand why. The Vikes’ defense has been terrible this year, and David Carr has been proving to the Texans that he knows how to lead a team. At least now if I go down, I’m taking all of the so-called experts with me.

New York Giants over DALLAS – In honor of the Giants’ three game win streak, I will now wear black socks for all of road trips from now until the end of the season. And the posting clock on my blog will be set five minutes early.

INDIANAPOLIS over Oakland – Bet the over. Trust me.

SAN DIEGO over Jacksonville – The best matchup in this game has to be LaDanian Tomlinson, the most complete running back in the league, against the staunch Jax run defense. Look for the Chargers to open things up (at least as much as Marty Schottenheimer will allow) and ride the arm of much-maligned QB Drew Brees (passer rating of 95.5…higher than Jake Plummer, Joey Harrington, Byron Leftwich and a whole bunch of other guys that aren’t looking over their shoulder at a rookie) to victory.

NEW YORK JETS over Buffalo – After last weeks game, I wouldn’t pick the Bills to beat the Barcelona Dragons, the Toronto Argonauts, or Billy Bob Thornton’s team from “Friday Night Lights”.

Arizona over SAN FRANCISCO – As long as the Cardinals can protect skittish Josh McCown, as they did last week against the Saints, AND their defense maintains their bend-but-don’t-break mentality, AND Larry Fitzgerald continues his meteoric rise, AND Dennis Green doesn’t go completely pass-wacky and keeps plowing Emmitt Smith into the line 20 times a game, AND Emmitt never ever EVER tries to throw a pass again, this Cardinal team could end up with 6 or 7 wins. But that’s a lotta ifs.

Note: Due to the ahead of schedule return of starting quarterback Tim Rattay, the Ken Dorsey shit-fest is hereby discontinued. Try to remain strong.

SEATTLE over St. Louis – Let the Mike Martz hot seat countdown officially…BEGIN!

Carolina over DENVER – Stephen Davis will play this week in Denver. Quentin Griffin most likely will not. The one-two punch of Davis and DeShaun Foster is the best in the league. Denver will be starting official “who the fuck is this guy” selection Ruben Droughns at running back. And in the best battle of the Jakes since the “Chinatown” sequel, Delhomme beats Plummer.

Baltimore over WASHINGTON – And still my pleas to speed up the running game fall only on the deaf ears of Joe Gibbs. Clinton Portis is a scat back! He must be allowed to cut! Gibbs’ system is built for bruisers like John Riggins, not shifty little guys like Portis. Running Clinton Portis into the pile 25 times a game is tantamount to telling Brett Favre that he’s only allowed to throw screen passes. Heed my words, Gibbs! Free Portis Now!

GREEN BAY over Tennessee – Here’s what I’m waiting to hear on Monday night:

Al Michaels: We’re LIVE here in Green Bay, Wisconsin as the 1-3 Packers take on the 1-3 Titans on MONDAY Night Football.

John Madden: I’ll tell you what, Al. You talk about competitors, you talk about guys that are tough, you talk about Brett Favre, and you talk about Steve McNair. These guys, these guys are tough.

Al: Brett FAVRE comes into tonight’s game nursing a concussion from LAST week’s game against the Giants, and yesterday was involved in a freak STAGE diving accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down. He is listed as questionable for this game…

Madden: He’s questionable, but Brett Favre is Brett Favre. And when it’s Monday night, and Brett Favre can play, he’s gonna play. ‘Cause he’s Brett Favre.

Al: On the OTHER side of the field, quarterback Steve McNair has been nursing a CHEST injury that sidelined him last week against the Chargers. Let’s go down to Michelle TAFOYA for an update on the TITANS starter.

Michelle: Thanks Al. I talked to Titans coach Jeff Fisher earlier, and he told me that despite the injury from last week and the fact that Steve McNair was recently diagnosed with turf toe, shin splints, a torn labrum and lupus, he WILL start today for the Titans. I asked Fisher what it would take to keep McNair on the sidelines this week and he said “Michelle, I don’t even care about this game. I just wanna kiss you.” Back to you, Al.

Al: Thanks, Michelle. We’ve got Titans kicker Gary Anderson miked up for tonight’s game and we’ll hear from HIM at halftime. (Duh duh duh DUH!) Volek! Nall! It’s MONDAY Night Football here on ABC.

Last week: 7-7
Overall: 36-24