I’m keeping it short and sweet today, reader. Two things:

1. I just received the resume and headshot for Bash Brother/Porsche Crasher/Madonna Fucker Jose Canseco . Apparently the ‘86 Rookie of the Year has moved to L.A. “to begin his acting career. Someday, if the outcry is great enough, I will transcribe his “resume” onto the site. It really is something to behold. Oh! But wait, there’s more…

1a. Canseco’s resume was sent to me by TV Dad/Pictionary host/human slapshot stopper Alan Thicke . Goddamn I love this town.

2. Despite her initial hesitation, H has decided to take me to the kickoff (get it?) party for this year’s Lingerie Bowl at XES tonite. Honestly, I can’t see what her problem was with inviting me; apparently the combination of free booze and freer boobs is a bit of an issue for her. Luckily for her, I am WAY more excited about the opportunity to meet these chicks’ coaches: LT and The Fridge !?! On the same day as I got Canseco’s headshot? If there is a God, he is totally effing with me right now. Anyway, I will have a running diary (assuming I’m sober enough to write sentences) in this space tomorrow to fill you in on all the gory details.