Ack! Could there BE a worse weekend of football? I got absolutely creamed in my pool, out of the running by Noon on the West Coast. If I was a quarterback, I’d have been pulled by halftime and spent the rest of the day on the bench, alternating between talking on the phone to the Offensive Coordinator in the booth and silently crying into my hands. My stat line would look something like 2 for 15, 13 yards, 3 INTs and a fumble. See the video of Kurt Warner when he got pulled from the Giants-Eagles game yesterday? I woulda made ol’ Kurt look like Roberto Benigni at the Oscars.

Granted, a lot of this was my fault. The first weekend of the season is a “you can never tell” type of week because every team comes into week one feeling great about their chances and no pundit wants to be the one to bury the next St. Louis or Baltimore or New England before the season even starts. That said, some of the decisions I made this weekend were poor judgment, some were bad luck, and some were somewhere beyond cover-your-eyes-awful. I mean, the Chargers over the Texans? Who knew that San Diego could put up 27 points against what should be a much-improved Texan D? Detroit over Chicago, Jets over Cincy…these were pretty much pick ‘em games that I flipped the coin on wrong. I picked San Fran to beat Atlanta, because I’m still not convinced that the highly regimented West Coast O is right for the most exciting player in the league (I’m still not) and I picked the Saints to beat the ‘Hawks to spite Mickey and because I thought that Seattle is overrated (still do…especially without Shaun Alexander for any period of time) and that New Orleans is underrated (totally neglecting the fact that Jim Haslett is this generation’s Jim Mora—that is with a metaphorical hambone lodged permanently in his throat). I picked KC over Denver because I still don’t think Jake Plummer is a winner. This is a guy who has a losing record as a starter, has won all of ONE post season game, has thrown more INTs than TDs in his career, never thrown for more than 3500 yards in a season AND consistently gets injured when his team needs him (everyone who touts his 9-2 record as a starter needs to remember one small thing: there are sixteen games in the season)—and everyone from here to Boulder is ready to anoint him as the second coming of Elway. He’s not that good, folks!

But jumpin’ Jesus, man! Cleveland had no right to beat up on Baltimore like they did (Glad I didn’t prognosticate big things for the Ravens this ye—ah, shit). The Ravens offense is absolutely awful, Jamal Lewis notwithstanding, and Tennessee taught the world how to defend the Ravens with their nine-in-the-box stack in the playoffs last year. I would not like to be Brian Billick right now, after spending a first round pick (which went to the Pats) a few years ago to move up for Kyle Boller. Ryan Leaf he is not, but can you imagine being a Ravens fan right now and getting weepy thinking about the glory days of Trent Dilfer? The humanity. And while I’m raggin’ on QBs, who knew that both Brad Johnson and Mark Brunell would show their age so quickly (after Portis’ 68-yard run this game looked like a preseason showdown between Shaun King and Danny Weurffel) and that in a game between the ‘Skins and the Bucs that understandably ended up as a battle of defense and field position…that the Redskins would WIN?!? I don’t know who this Gibbs guy that they got on the sidelines is, but damned if I’m not drinkin’ the Kool-aid .

A quick fantasy football note before I go any further: Yes, Charles Rogers was one of my starting WRs in Jer’s league. And yes, I realized that he plays for the Lions, and thus had a year of skip jobs and overthrows coming his way from the second coming of Scott Zolak, Joey Harrington. Charles Rogers received no points yesterday because Charles Rogers got injured AGAIN and will most likely miss the whole season AGAIN. Sigh. I always play better as the underdog anyway.

So for the record, I correctly picked the following winners: New England, St. Louis, Tennessee, Jacksonville (barely—I was fourth and goal away from throwing up in my mouth), Pittsburgh, Minnesota and Philly. Seven out of fifteen. Under .500. If I was in Vegas I’d be selling a kidney for cab fare right now. God willing The Pack will trounce the Panthers tonight and I’ll break even for the week, salvaging the shred of pride I didn’t leave in a heap on my couch, next to an empty plate of waffles and the SI NFL Preview Issue.

In order to reverse my luck, I’ve decided to make my picks for the weekend a running feature this season in this space. I fill out the sheet for a pool at work anyway, so I might as well reprint it here, along with a few thoughts about each game. Clearly a glutton for punishment, I will then open the comments board to you, the reader, to concur with, discount, comment on, question or laugh your freakin’ ass off at my picks for the week. This will not only save me the embarrassment of explaining why the hell I picked the Saints to beat the Seahawks AFTER the game is over, but also allow you to win YOUR weekly football pool by picking the exact opposite of what I pick. I expect a cut of the winnings from all of you. I expect that this column will most likely come on Fridays, as Friday not only the day before the weekend (which for the next 4 months will hereafter be referred in this space to as “Saturday” and “FootballFootballFootballFootball”), but is also the day that I really dig in after a long week of work and pay absolutely no attention to anything said to me by my boss, my girlfriend, my co-workers…really anybody. If you have advice on picks, call me on Friday. If you wanna offer me a fantasy football trade, call me on Friday. Peter King , if you’re reading this, call me on Friday. If you’re calling to tell me that my house is on fire or that bananas cause cancer or that my cat is running for President, save it ‘til Monday.

Wait! Forgot about MNF…better save it ‘til Tuesday.